Caps Lock: An Overview

When I was first introduced to computers, and more specifically the keyboard, the caps lock button always stood out. If you look at the keyboard, it sticks out. It's aligned to the left, it's larger than the letter keys, and it has the word "lock" on it, and "lock" is, and has always been, a cool fucking word. When I first learned to type, I would hit that button whenever I wanted to type a capital letter, and I would hit it again when I wanted to type lowercase. I did this until I came to learn that the shift key performed the same function, and I only had to hit it once, which improved my typing speed (I'm still in grade school at this point). This is a significant, because this is the exact time that the caps lock key became obsolete to me, the everyday computer user.

Now, I understand that it's probably useful for programmers, who might have to type long sequences of code in capital letters, and don't feel like holding shift down, presumably because their other hand is holding a 24oz Code Red Mountain Dew. Or maybe a Bawls. I get that. But having that key readily available on a keyboard has bred a generation of internet fuckwads, who type every sentence with caps lock enabled. And unapologetically, at that. And I know I'm not the only person who has the piss annoyed out of them by people like this.

Maybe I'm being unreasonable about this, but I doubt it. When I see something written in all capitals, I imagine that it's being screamed at me. Maybe that's because I read books when I was a kid (I imagine that people who utilize caps lock constantly didn't read much), whatever. But I don't like having things screamed at me. Can you imagine? If someone yelled everything that they had to say? If every thought was vocalized at the highest possible volume? What would that sound like?

It would sound like this.

In chatrooms and other internet forums, there's a saying "CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL", which is used to mock fuckheads that type entire posts in caps. My best interpretation of this would be that the poster believes that using caps lock will make his post more meaningful, or "cooler". And since caps lock keeps everything you type in caps, it keeps the post at a certain level of "coolness", in much the same way that cruise control keeps your car at a certain speed. So saying that "CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL" would be like saying that using caps lock ensures that your post is worthwhile and meaningful. Or whoever first said it could have used the term "cruise control" simply for the alliteration. I don't know. Internet history tends to get lost in the shuffle.

The moral of the story here, folks? Don't type everything in caps. It makes you look douchey, arrogant, and uneducated.

How the cast of Jersey Shore would type, if they knew how to read.